Introduction
This document is divided into three sections. The first section
("The Basic Stuff") contains the basic courtesy tips that are
usually considered helpful in
attending erotic events, particularly mixed-gender ones. The second
section contains an outline that we wrote and published on the separate
web site http://www.littlefriend.com, a domain which we registered
with the intent of it eventually becoming the
accompanying web site for a printed book of the same name, but which
we're now putting here in anticipation of instead incorporating it into
the
complete rewrite of Discovering Sex which is planned for 2006. The
third section contains the text of the printed handout from a workshop
on this subject that we helped host in 1998 (though it should be noted
that like most workshop handouts much of it was intended to provoke
discussion and serve as an outline for the class, rather than as
something to be just read through from start to finish).
Please note that this document is in a bit of a transitional state, as it's being rewritten: unlike our other major documents you may find a number of broken external links in what follows, particularly in the second and third sections, but the text itself should still be useful.
SECTION 1: Basic Stuff
Having a Good Time
Planning Ahead
- Having a good time may mean thinking ahead about safer sex.
Some common tips have been collected together at http://www.searchxxxadultvideos.com/concise.html
- If you're in a primary relationship and will be attending a sexual event for
the first time, discuss it with your partner well ahead of time so you can each
have a chance to figure out what would make you more comfortable, less jealous,
etc.
General Points of Courtesy
- When addressing transgendered people, go with whatever pronoun they prefer,
and ask if you're unsure.
- In the BDSM/Leather community, a collar may signify that someone is under their
``Top's'' control for the night, and that they shouldn't be approached
or addressed without their Top's permission. Within mixed-gender Leather culture,
the proscription against touching people or their stuff without permission is
particularly strong (likewise, you'll find a strong emphasis on verbal ``negotiation''
of play - clearly discussing what you like, what you dislike, and what sort
of ``scene'' you would like to do).
While You're At An Event
- Avoid expectations: if you have wild expectations in your mind of what will
happen, then the best that can happen is your expectations get met, and you
may end up disappointed. If you approach an event without expectations,
however, you'll be in a much better position to enjoy the evening (whatever it may bring).
- To paraphrase Carol Queen, sex parties are ``boot camp for the boundary-impaired.''
In other words, although you should expect ``no'' to mean ``no,''
it's best to avoid saying ``maybe later'' when you really want to say
``no.'' Stringing people along is rude, particularly when you could just
as easily say, ``I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to say no thank you.''
- Avoid making negative comments on the consensual activities, gender, orientation,
sexual preference, or appearance of other adults.
After An Event
- For non-profit organizations whose events you enjoy, look for ways to help them
as a volunteer.
- Be careful not to ``out'' people without their consent.
Learning More
Good Information to Have On Hand
- For real-time advice on health and sexuality, good numbers to have are San
Francisco Sex Information (415-989-7374), the National STD Hotline
(800-227-8922), the Emergency Contraception Hotline (888-668-2528),
and Planned Parenthood (800-230-7526).
- Whether inside or outside sex-positive culture, part of being an informed citizen
is knowing your rights. The ACLU's wallet-sized guide ``What To Do If You're
Stopped By The Police'' is available at http://www.aclu.org/Files/OpenFile.cfm?id=10042
Finding New Books to Read
- The most active book publishers of interest to sex-positive culture are Greenery
Press, (see http://www.greenerypress.com), Cleis Press (see
http://www.cleispress.com), and Alyson Publications (see http://www.alyson.com) for GLBT erotica and theory. It's worthwhile to get on their mailing lists
so you're informed about their new releases (typically evenly split between
how-to, philosophy/politics, and fiction).
Specific Cities and National Conferences
- For Seattle WA, San Francisco CA, Portland OR, and Vancouver BC, see
(respectively) http://www.Discovering Sex/seattle.html,
http://www.Discovering Sex/sanfrancisco.html and http://www.Discovering
Sex/portland.html and http://www.Discovering Sex/vancouver.html
- For tips on finding sex-positive community resources regardless of what city
you call home, refer to the ``meta'' guide at http://www.Discovering
Sex/other.html
- Currently popular national conferences include the Leather Leadership
Conference (for community organizers within BDSM/Leather culture, see http://www.leatherleadership.org);
the Lifestyles Convention (for the ``swing'' community, see http://www.lifestyles-convention.com);
the TES, Black Rose, KinkFest, and Thunder in the Mountains conferences as well as the Folsom Street Fair (for BDSM/Leather enthusiasts, see http://www.tes.org,
http://www.br.org, http://www.pdxleatheralliance.org, http://www.thunderinthemountains.com, and http://www.folsomstreetfair.com);
and the Loving More and Institute for 21st Century Relationships and NFNC Summer Camp conventions (for the polyamory community, see http://www.lovemore.com and http://www.lovethatworks.org and http://www.nfnc.org/sc/). And of course, one mustn't forget the Exotic Erotic Ball (see http://www.exoticeroticball.com) and the Burning Man Festival (see http://www.burningman.com), each unique in its own right.
- If your interest is academic sexology or professional sex therapy, then you'll probably want to check out the following resources: the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (see http://www.sexscience.org for the overall organization or their publication Educational Opportunities in Human Sexuality and http://www.sssswr.org for the Western region), the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (see http://www.aasect.org), and the conference listing maintained by the Kinsey Institute (see http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/conf-tab.html).
Becoming a Volunteer, Organizer, or Activist
- People interested in hosting events of their own, starting a new organization,
or assuming a leadership role in an existing sex-positive organization,
might benefit from the paper
``Thoughts for New Clubs'' at http://www.leatherleadership.org/library/newclubs.htm
- Not all organizations which use the language of non-profits are actually non-profit
organizations. Formal non-profit status provides a legal assurance that the
income and volunteer effort accruing to an organization must be used to further
the organization's purpose, rather than to personally enrich its leadership.
As such, formal non-profit status codifies the typical assumptions of volunteers,
and speaks to the ultimate quality of an organization's volunteer program. It
is the appropriate choice for any organization which wishes to use the terms
``non-profit,'' ``volunteer-based,'' or ``community center.''
You may wish to inquire about this before committing significant amounts of
volunteer time to an organization (e.g. as opposed to simply remaining a customer
of that organization).
- Three national non-profit organizations actively defending the freedoms which
sex-positive culture depends on are the ACLU (see http://www.aclu.org),
the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (see http://www.ncsfreedom.org), and the Planned Parenthood Foundation (see http://www.plannedparenthood.org):
consider supporting their work if you can.
- To learn more about effective sex-positive activism and rhetoric, your best bets
are all free publications available online: for example Advocacy for
Sexual Freedom: A Practical Guide in the "Resources > WFF
Publications" section of the Woodhull Freedom Foundation
web site, some of the documents in the "Document Library" and "Media
Outreach" sections of the National
Coalition for Sexual Freedom web site, and the individual "Issues"
sections of the ACLU web site.
SECTION 2: Information from erotichospitality.com
As background: erotichospitality.com is a site whose content we wrote
and which we considered maintaining separately, but for now we're
putting its content here, in anticipation of the complete rewrite of
Discovering Sex (as one integrated document including all external
documents such as this) which will be taking place in 2006.
This document presents an organized collection of resources on the
subjects of enjoying sex-positive events, hosting sex-positive events,
and community-building within sex-positive culture.
- Finding Your Local Sex-Positive Culture (this guide summarizes our best advice on how to find any part of your area's sex-positive culture, with links to the most up-to-date online and offline resource guides for each type of community)
- The Seattle Sex-Positive Resource Guide (this guide is offered as a template for those who wish to create similar calendars for other cities, and we hope it serves as an example of the richness and diversity which an active sex-positive culture can produce)
- The Ethical Slut, Dossie Easton and Catherine A Liszt. Greenery Press, 1998. [Especially over pages 83-84, 229-237, and 251-264, this book (perhaps better than any other) offers sound advice to people who are just getting started participating in sex-positive culture; we consider this book to be essential reading.]
- Exhibitionism for the Shy, Carol Queen. Down There Press, 1995. [Pages 156-163 contain helpful advice on attending sex-positive events for the first time.]
- The American Civil Liberties Union (the ACLU has, to date, been the most effective national advocate for the fundamental freedoms that sex-positive culture relies on)
- The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (the NCSF specializes in media response and advocacy work for organizations affiliated with sex-positive culture - typically but not exclusively the BDSM community - and has achieved excellent results; to subscribe to their announcements list, send an e-mail to majordomo@tpe.com with "subscribe ncsf-announce" in the body of your message)
- Thoughts for New Clubs (a paper presented at LLC 2001)
- Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture, Carol Queen. Cleis Press, 1997. [Especially pages 68-75 ("Inside the Safer Sex Clubs") and page 96.]
- Queen, Carol. "How to Have a Safer Sex Party." Black Sheets, Issue 2.
- Ambrosio's Links for Organizers (a collection of links to articles on hosting socials, educational programs, and parties, with a BDSM focus)
- Sapphistry: The Book of Lesbian Sexuality, Pat Califia. Naiad Press, 1988. [Pages 113-118 address, in a very practical way, how to bring up and follow through on hosting an intimate evening with more than one person.]
- Tan, Cecilia. "Somewhere, a Place for Us: Finding Space for BDSM Events." SandMUtopian Guardian, Issue 25.
- Vakesh, Steve and Carolyn. "Hosting a Play Party: How-to's and Hints from Two Experienced Party-Givers and -Goers." SandMUtopian Guardian, Issue 26.
- The Great Sex Weekend, Pepper Schwartz and Janet Lever. Perigree, 2000. [This book focuses on hosting special events just with and for your partner.]
- Notes from a Workshop on Hosting Erotic Events (a set of miscellaneous suggestions for event organizers and participants)
- Recommended Space Policies (by the NCSF: this is essential reading for any group that plans to host explicit events, particularly if those events will be held regularly and/or are medium to large scale)
- Zoning Considerations (by the NCSF: this is essential reading for any group that plans to either lease or purchase a building, or else invest significant resources in rennovating an existing building)
- Protecting Your Group in a Hostile Legal Environment (by William ReMine, as presented at LLC 2001; this guide builds on the material presented in the NCSF document on space policies, and presents specific suggestions on how the people near the front door of your building should respond in the case of official visits as well as steps your organization can take to help insure that your meeting space is considered to be a private, rather than public, facility)
- B, John. "S/M and the Law." Prometheus, Issue 32.
- The Annual Leather Leadership Conference (The LLC is the only resource of its kind with direct applicability for people who organize sexually explicit events, and as such regardless of whether your organization has a BDSM focus you would almost certainly find this conference to be of value. Note that in many cases the LLC web site contains online copies of handouts from its presentations.)
- The SM-Activists list: Send email to majordomo@serve101.org with "subscribe sm-act" in the body of the message. Send a second email to the same address with "subscribe sm-org" in the body of the message. Although these two lists have a specific focus on BDSM events, the information available is applicable beyond the leather community, and they're a great opportunity to network and ask questions of leaders in organizations with similar concerns as yours.
- How to Form a Nonprofit Corporation, Anthony Mancuso. Nolo Press, 1998. (This book is an excellent how-to guide to incorporating, although the sections on obtaining federal tax exempt status focus, for the most part, on 501(c)(3) status).
- IRS Publication 557: Tax Exempt Status for Your Organization (Note carefully the descriptions of 501(c)(7) status - for most non-profit organizations that receive the bulk of their income from private play events aren't open to the general public, 501(c)(7) status might be far more appropriate and attainable than 501(c)(3) status - if you do go the (c)(7) route then you may want to also take a look at the web site for the Club Managers Association of America, which admittedly has a very different focus [golf and yachting] but which contains links to general resources that might be helpful to you)
- The Second Legal Answer Book for Nonprofit Organizations, Bruce R Hopkins. John Wiley & Sons, 1998. (This book contains by far the clearest descriptions of the benefits and responsibilities of 501(c)(7) status that we've found).
- The Nonprofit FAQ (by the Internet Nonprofit Center)
- The Kink Aware
Professionals List (note: if you can't find the sort of help you're
looking for locally, consider [1] hiring somebody non-local, which may be
perfectly reasonable when it comes to insurance brokers, [2] asking
someone who IS listed for a scene-friendly referral in your area, [3]
asking for a referral or recommendation on the sm-act and sm-org mailing lists, and [4] for
swing clubs, contacting the International Lifestyle Association for a
referral or recommendation)
The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is currently working on a guide
called "Legal Research for the SM - Leather - Fetish Communities," which
will become Publication 6 in their Law Enforcement
Outreach Program. Current information about efforts to rull back
sodomy laws is
available on the ACLU web site.
- The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers, Terry Gould. Firefly Books, 2000.
- Together Sex, Dana Allen and Ed Allen. Grove Press, 2001.
- Profile of the Swinger's Community (by
Discovering Sex; this article also contains links to recent academic studies and demographic findings)
- theswinginglife.com (various documents, particularly their non-fiction bibliography, press clippings, current news, research bibliography, special event calendar, and event reviews)
- International Lifestyle Association (The ILA is a new non-profit organization founded to provide support for swing club owners; they have been working closely with the NCSF, and we hold out high hopes for them)
- Starting Your Own Fetish Support Group (by Laura Goodwin)
- Hosting a Play Party (by Kirrily Robert)
- Beneath the Skins: The New Spirit and Politics of the Kink Community, Ivo Dominguez. Daedalus Publishing, 1994. (This book has some helpful suggestions for forming and facilitating BDSM discussion groups, and some thought-provoking material on the importance of national organizations serving this community)
- Trust: The Hand Book, Bert Herrman. Alamo Square Press, 1991. [If your organization will host men's fisting events, this book will provide helpful suggestions on the equipment and supplies that you should have on hand].
- The Leather Contest Guide, Guy Baldwin. Daedalus Publishing, 1993. [This book would be of great value to bar owners and promoters who want to begin hosting leather contests, as well as to individuals who might be interested in competing in one.]
- SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, Jay Wiseman. Greenery Press, 1998. [This book offers some very cautious but sound advice on starting new BDSM organizations, including munches and discussion groups].
- When Someone You Love is Kinky, Dossie Easton and Catherine A Liszt. Greenery Press, 2000. (Although this book would be helpful reading for the friends and family of someone who is just "coming out," it might also serve to suggest "normalizing" rhetoric that might be of value to an organization's public face)
- Facts about the BDSM Community (by the NCSF - this would be good background reading before you go into a debate)
- Speaking to "Vanilla" Audiences (from LLC 2000; thought-provoking reading for organizations with a leather-heavy leadership that want to branch out into serving non-leather sex-positive culture)
- Leather Archives and Museum (aka LA&M; in addition to the important historical preservation work it is doing, over the next few years this organization may begin to serve a more central role to the leather community nationally, as a media and legal resource)
- Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice, ed. Mark Thompson. Alyson Publications, 1992. [Provides first-hand accounts of the leather community's origins, and speculations on where it might be headed].
- Brent, Bill. "Queer American Pie." Black Sheets, Issue 12.
- Truscott, Carol. "San Francisco: A Reverent, Non-Linear, Necessarily Incomplete History of its SM Community." SandMUtopian Guardian, Issue 8.
- Policing Public Sex, ed. Dangerous Bedfellows. South End Press, 1996. [Note: Although this book focuses on men's bathhouses, it described the New York clubs' public health regulatory struggles, in in a way that could be of value to leaders in almost any sex-positive organization; this book also contains potent arguments for the inherent societal value of sex-positive culture.]
- Political Background on the Sex Club Debates (by Liz Highleyman)
This section discusses a variety of software options (desktop, server, and
outsourced) for running electronic mailing lists, since our working
assumption is that electronic mailing lists are how most new organizations
will end up communicating with their general membership. Since it's in
your organization's best interest to be able to communicate with all of
your members via e-mail, we'll also devote considerable space to how
receiving mail from your organization can be made safe and comfortable for
members who have privacy concerns.
- EZMLM-IDX (A UNIX server application requiring qmail that is completely free of charge; it excels at both discussion lists and announcement lists for identical messages, but like the other free software packages it offers no "mail merge" features for personalized announcements. EZMLM scales particularly well to large list volumes.)
- Mailman (A UNIX server application requiring python that is completely free of charge; it does a good job with announcement lists for identical messages, but does an even better job with discussion lists. Although it does not scale to enormous list volumes as well as EZMLM, it does offer an attractive web interface which EZMLM does not.)
- Majordomo (A UNIX server application that is completely free of charge, for either discussion lists or identical announcements. Majordomo is a very basic software package that does not offer some of the advanced features which EZMLM or Mailman do, e.g. completely automated bounce handling.)
- Group Mail Plus (a Windows desktop application that you buy for a one-time purchase price, which excels at sending personalized announcements but which cannot host discussion lists)
- Lyris
ListManager (a server application whose purchase price
depends on
anticipated list volume; it excels at either discussion lists,
announcement lists that send out identical messages, or announcement
lists that send out personalized messages - note that for sophisticated
mail merges and personalized announcements, you would want Lyris
ListManager Pro version 5.0 or higher)
- Topica (rather than being software you purchase or download and then install on a server of your own, this is a free online service that you just sign up for over the web; Topica does a good job with either discussion lists or identical announcements, and is supported by advertising)
- SparkList (if you like Lyris ListManager but would rather pay on a monthly basis for someone else to host your list, rather than actually purchasing the software and installing it on hardware of your own, then SparkList might be a wise choice)
- DonorLink (this is a high-end solution aimed at the non-profit world, which specializes in personalized announcements but which offers a wide range of supporting features; it is an online solution rather than something you download and install for yourself)
Note that with server packages whose announcement list capabilities follow
the "identical" rather than "personalized" model, there is a possibility
for awkwardness if someone wishes to be unsubscribed from your mailing
list, is having their mail forwarded on their end from their previous
mailing address (i.e. the one which is actually subscribed to your mailing
list) to their current address, and they do not know or remember what
original address they're actually subscribed under. In situations like
this, the only surefire way to figure out what address you actually need
to unsubscribe is to get the recipient to forward you a copy of the
unwanted message they received with its full headers intact, and
then compare the ID numbers you see in certain lines of that message's
headers with what appears on your server in the mail transfer agent's
logs; this way, you can match up a unique ID in that message's headers
with a line in your logs which tells you the original address that message
was delivered to. At that point, you will know what address you need to
unsubscribe. So, what all this means is that if you're installing a
software package like Majordomo on a server of your own, you should
definitely be sure that your mail transfer agent (e.g. sendmail) is
logging its activities, that your mailing list administrator can access
these logs, and that you're keeping these logs for a reasonable period of
time.
Some members of your organization may not be aware that their employer may
have the right to read whatever mail they receive or send from their work
account, and may also have the right to monitor traffic to and from their
work machine. Also, some members of your organization may be hesitant
about giving you their e-mail address, even after being assured that it
will be kept in confidence. Since it is definitely in your organization's
best interest to have a valid and private e-mail address for every one of
your members (so that you can communicate with everyone via one mailing
list, never needing to pick up the phone), it is therefore in your best
interest to be able to suggest possible solutions to these concerns as
they arise. Particularly given that free web access is available through
public libraries, and anyone can create new (and free) web-based e-mail
addresses whenever they like which are unconnected to their real name, you
might not find it unreasonable for your organization to insist on
having a valid e-mail address for each of your members.
One of the most straightforward and basic solutions for members who would
otherwise use a work address, or who do not wish to give you one of their
existing e-mail addresses, is for them to set up a new free e-mail account
with Yahoo! Mail for their
organizational mail. If they want to access their mail from work, then
they will have at least some measure of safety because (although their
employer could go through extraordinary means to "sniff" all the
traffic going into and out of their workstation) at least their mail is
not being directly delivered to an account on their employer's network.
Many users would consider this sufficient privacy, although if they go
this route they should heed Yahoo's recommendations concerning
using the "Frames" version of the Yahoo! Mail
interface and remembering to "Sign Out" when they're done reading their mail
Members who are concerned about their employer going through extraordinary
means to actively record and subsequently analyze all of the data that
flows to and from their workstation will instead need an option which
involves end-to-end encryption, using "SSL" or "SSH," of anything
they're reading or typing while accessing their mail. One option
is to simply use the (paid, not free) anonymizer.com service in conjunction with your existing web-based mail provider.
Another approach is to choose a web-based mail provider
which allows your entire session to be SSL-encrypted (i.e.
so that the little padlock appears in the browser the entire time mail
is being read, not just when one is logging in);
Hushmail.com and JTan.com are both worth considering (though
Hushmail
only works with
recent versions of Internet Explorer on the Windows operating system).
An even more flexible approach (which admittedly could involve a bit of a learning curve)
would be to get a UNIX shell account somewhere that allows "SSH"
connections, have any organizational mail delivered to that account, and
only connect to that account using an "SSH" client and deal with your
e-mail using the "pine" or
"mutt" command line mail programs.
One provider of such services is JTan,
via their "ProShell" account (note: they also allow you to access your
mail via the web, via a completely SSL-protected connection, which gives
you the best of both worlds), and the Seattle ISP drizzle.com. You might also try browsing an online
directory of UNIX
shell account providers, though please be aware that the free services
will be less likely to offer SSH and more likely to have reliability
problems due to user overload. On Windows, you can make SSH-protected
connections to your shell account using the free PUTTY
program, which you can download from anywhere and which does not require
formal installation (i.e. what you download is what you then run). Free
SSH clients for Macintosh,
UNIX (though an ssh client is
bundled with most new UNIX distributions these days), the Palm Pilot (specifically, anything
running PalmOS which has a TCP/IP stack), and the BeOS are also available.
One advantage of the "remote shell via SSH" approach is that (unless you
do something silly like tell the ssh client you are using to log all the
information it receives to a local text file) no e-mail or other
potentially sensitive data will ever reside on your office workstation or
home computer. Thus, if the machine you are checking your mail from is
seized or compromised, there's nothing to find and (unless you do
something silly like pick a pathetically easy-to-guess password on the
remote system, or set up your ssh connection to not use passwords) no way
to get access to any of this data short of serving a warrant on a company
which is probably located in another state and potentially another
country.
Although sex-positive culture (at least in the contexts relevant to this
guide) was created by and
for adults, this is not to say that age-appropriate sex education isn't
an important part of public health. We wish to acknowledge the following
organizations, which specialize in researching how best to provide our
young people with the information they need to stay healthy and safe:
- SIECUS (sponsored by the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States)
- Teenwire (sponsored by Planned Parenthood)
- Sex, Etc. (sponsored by the Network for Family Life Education)
SECTION 3: Handouts from a 1998 Workshop on Hosting Erotic
Events
This guide to enjoying and hosting erotic events originally served as the
set of handouts to a seminar on the
subject which we hosted on May 31, 1998. The intent of this guide is the
same as the intent of the seminar: to empower others to host their own
erotic events. The authors of this guide have found their explorations in
this area to be so empowering and fun that it seemed a pity not to share
this information with a wider audience.
This seminar begins with a discussion of the various types of erotic
events and spaces that occur on a regular basis, and continues with a
discussion on how to be emotionally comfortable in and enjoy events hosted
by others. The conversation then turns to practical guidelines and
considerations associated with hosting your own events, and concludes with
a guided exercise which leaves each participant with a personalized
blueprint for an event he or she might like to create at some point in the
future.
- Types of Erotic Events
- Erotic Event Continua
- Gender/sexual orientation of attendees (mixed, men-only, women-only,
etc.)
- Type of sex ("anything consensual goes," masturbation only,
erotic massage only, Tantric sex focus, fetish clothing focus, BDSM focus,
etc.)
- Presence or absence of "spiritual intent"
- Degree to which event is driven by or encourages the formation of
ongoing friendships/relationships/community
- Level of erotic intensity ("sensual but non-sexual" to
"sensual and highly-sexual")
- "Formal" to "informal"
- "Regular" to "spur of the moment"
- "Completely open to the public" to "just inviting two
close friends home at the end of an evening"
- "Three attendees" to "thousands of attendees"
(the Sex Maniac's Ball, the
Lifestyles
Convention,
etc.)
- Examples
- Erotic Massage Events
- Generally allow each participant a set amount of time on a massage
table to receive (possibly erotic) massage from the other attendees at his
or her table before rotating. There are generally three or four people
at each table.
- Since each person gets to talk about what they're comfortable with and
not comfortable with when getting on the table for their turn, these
events are a good opportunity to practice "asking for what you
want"
- Can be done informally with a bunch of people or just a few, and
nobody feels left out because everybody gets a turn
- Visit http://www.Discovering Sex/erotmass.html
for more details.
- BDSM Play Parties
- Can range from private and informal events at someone's home to events
the size of the annual NLA
"Living in Leather" parties
- Negotiations are generally carried out clearly and verbally, and
traditionally any rules or points of etiquette that the guests are
expected to follow tend to be clearly articulated in lists of rules
provided by the event hosts
- Intercourse or oral sex may be allowed, encouraged, discouraged, or
not allowed, depending on the event
- The book Alternate
Sources by Trevor Jacques contains local BDSM community resource
listings, covering most of the world.
- Body Electric Workshops
- Occur on a regular basis all over the country
- Hosted for men only, women only, and mixed groups (generally, you
have to take a same-gender course before taking a mixed-gender course).
- Have brought the concept of "emotionally safe erotic space"
to a fine art
- Are an excellent way for het-identified folks to initially explore
being comfortable erotically with members of the same gender. This
level of comfort can enhance one's experience of many other types of
erotic events.
- Introductory courses are focussed on erotic massage
- Visit http://www.bodyelectric.org/ for
more information
- Erotic Campouts ("A.R.," "Radical Faeries
events," etc.)
- Having erotic space in a natural setting, over a period of days, can
be fun and inspiring (especially for community-building events or events
with a spiritual focus)
- The shared experience of preparing for the campout can increase the
sense of participation and trust among the attendees.
- Weekend Getaways
- Can involve as few as two partners; the only difference between these
events and regular sexual interaction is that the weekend is specifically
planned for and devoted to sex
- The idea of planning for sexuality consciously may be a good stepping
stone for some couples to hosting events involving more people than just
each other
- Read Pepper Schwartz's Great
Sex Weekend book for details on this concept
- Large Community-Building Events ("Winter Gathering," etc.)
- Involve renting a large space, often an on-premises swinger's club or
large men's sex club
- Participants from many different local and regional sex-positive
communities are invited and encouraged to network and learn from each
other.
- Some organizations, such as Network for a New Culture (http://www.nfnc.org/), have
community-building as one of their primary goals.
- Sex Ritual Gatherings ("Queen of Heaven," etc.)
- Generally involve an opening and closing circle of some kind; other
characteristics may be present depending on whether the event was designed
to fit within some specific spiritual tradition or not
- Focus is on the spiritual/personal growth of attendees through shared
sexuality and intimacy
- Elements of these gatherings (such as the opening/closing circles) can
make people feel comfortable even in events without an explicitly
spiritual focus
- Swingers' Events
- Generally for male/female couples to meet other male/female couples
for recreational sex and possible friendship
- Male/male sex may be taboo depending on the club
- Can be "on-premises" or "off-premises"
- Negotiations for play are often carried out by the women in
male/female couples; single men (if allowed to attend at all) probably
aren't going to have a good time
- The swingers' community holds an annual "Lifestyles"
convention; smaller regional ones are also held annually
- Read http://www.Discovering Sex/mgswing.html
for more details
- Jack/Jill Offs
- These are masturbation-only spaces (no intercourse or oral sex)
- Jack/Jill Offs are a popular form of completely safe group sex,
especially for people who are voyeurs or exhibitionists
- Read "Inside the Safe Sex Clubs" by Carol Queen (published
in Real
Live Nude Girl) for more details
- Men's Bathhouses and Sex Clubs
- These are men-only spaces
- Depending on the club, latex barriers may or may not be used for oral
sex
- Sex is generally completed by each man masturbating himself to
orgasm
- Very little verbal interaction takes place; it's common not to
exchange names
- Look in a current edition of Damron Men's Travel Guide 2001 for local listings of bathhouses and men's sex
clubs.
- Other Private Events
- Can be as simple as three people realizing they are all turned on to
each other, one of them having enough courage to propose group play to the
other two, and the other two agreeing.
- The imagination of the hosts and the attendees is the only
limit!
- Being Comfortable Attending Erotic Events
- Think About Why You Might Want to Go...
- To meet other people for sex in a safe, sex-positive environment?
- To socialize and network with other sex-positive folk?
- To break down personal shame around sexuality?
- To pick up on synergistic arousal caused by other folks playing with
each other around you while you have sex with your partner?
- To expand your horizons and learning new things by watching others
play?
- To be seen?
- To get over body-image issues by being able to see a variety of
differently-sized and shaped folks enjoying themselves?
- To learn how other people host events so you can eventually host your
own?
- To meet potential partners?
- To just have fun and maybe get laid (which is a perfectly valid
reason...)?
- To grow spiritually?
- To be adventurous?
- Communication Skills
- Negotiation skills and other verbal communication skills are very
important
- If you aren't used to saying "yes" when you want to say yes
and saying "no" when you want to say no, doing some exercises
along these lines might be a valuable use of your time before committing
to attend an erotic space
- Be prepared to hear "no" respectfully without getting weird
about it.
- If you're going to say no to someone, "I'm flattered you asked,
but no" or "Not right now, but check in with me later" may
be polite ways to phrase it (depending on the situation and depending on
whether you really might be interested later).
- Approaching someone can often be as simple as introducing yourself (if
necessary), conversing for a while (if in the social area), and asking,
"Would you like to play?" Negotiation (if necessary)
can follow from there. Again, this may vary depending on the type of
event you're at. However, even if the event you're attending allows or
traditionally uses non-verbal cruising (such as the bathhouses), it's
still a good idea to have good verbal communication skills to fall back on
if things get confused for some reason.
- With regard to other people's scenes, keep a respectful distance
unless you're invited to join in or based on the social context it's clear
that joining is OK. If in doubt it's a good idea to ask (waiting for a
time when you wouldn't seriously be disturbing anything by
asking).
- Pre-Attendance Tips
- Taking a shower, meditating, and/or "decompressing from the
day" can be helpful in terms of preparing yourself to be in a
different sort of space
- Especially for non-profit events run by volunteers, look for ways to
help somehow. Perhaps bring snacks, have an interesting or entertaining
story to tell the host, offer to help clean up afterwards, etc.
- Social Tips
- Note that these tips may be more or less applicable depending on the
event; conversation skills may be much less relevant at bathhouses, for
example.
- Keep in mind that any new people you might meet are just people; the
only new element is that open sexuality is one of their interests. The
regular social skills surrounding friendly conversations and basic social
interactions are just as welcome and important as in everyday life.
Courtesy never goes out of style...
- If you're attending with a (monogamous?) partner, deal with any
relationship fights and strife before showing up so you don't cloud the
event and your own good time with minor or major squabbles; be clear on
what's OK and what's not OK for you and your partner (in terms of your
relationship). Imagining (together with your partner) many different
scenarios that you think might happen and agreeing on what your mutual
response to them should be might help.
- If it's appropriate to do so thank the hosts as you leave, and if you
had a good time at their event tell them so; this is especially
appropriate for community events where the volunteer hosts are potentially
subject to burnout.
- Leave gracefully if you need to leave, in a way that won't disturb
others or make them wonder where you went.
- Don't engage in potentially distracting non-sexual conversations where
they might distract folks who are playing.
- Tolerance is almost always an asset; try to make an effort to
appreciate or at least be accepting of sexual preferences other than your
own
- At the majority of erotic events (with the notable exception of
bathhouses and other men's sex clubs) the quality of your experience may
be determined by the quality and quantity of your connections,
friendships, or relationships with the other attendees. If you don't have
a good time the first go-around as you do the second time, this may be the
reason. As in any other community forming social connections can take
time.
- Emotional Tips
- If you're worried about feeling left out, try to arrange a play date
for the event with someone you are bringing or know will be there.
- Try to have as few expectations as possible. Give yourself credit
just for being brave enough to go, for being courteous, and for following
the rules. If anything else happens it's then just icing on the
cake.
- Everyone feels left out every once in a while. Feeling of alienation
can arise for no discernable reason, and it doesn't have to be anyone's
fault. The only question is how you handle these feelings; communicating
that you're feeling left out, taking a break, finding something to do to
help the party, or leaving gracefully (explaining to someone that you're
tired, had a good time, etc. but need to go) are all options. If you
really need to leave then leave, but keep in mind that situations can
change very quickly, sometimes leaving you wondering why you ever wanted
to leave in the first place...
- Dealing with jealousy
- It helps to think about what might make you feel jealous or anxious
and look for good solutions ahead of time.
- If you have a primary partner, one approach might be to only play
with other couples or other people as a couple; then neither of you can
feel left out. Jealousy issues tend to arise less often when everyone
is having a good time.
- If your jealousy issues center around a partner, perhaps a clearer set
of agreements and expectations with that person might help.
- If in doubt step away from things for a moment and take a deep
breath.
- "Spiritual" Components
- Non-Denominational Consciousness-Raising
- It can be worthwhile to consider how erotic events might help you grow
as a person.
- As Marco Vassi put it, "Casual sex is a great way to get to
know people."
- One possibility might be experiencing "group sex" as an
antidote to the sense of "scarcity" that often tends to be
associated with this basic human drive.
- Another possibility might be using erotic events as a way to learn to
accept yourself as a whole person, regardless of your shape or size
(it's a myth that only people of a certain body type attend erotic
events; a variety of shapes, sizes, and ages have been present at every
such event I have attended).
- Putting on an event of your own may be very empowering for you. In
general, we as humans tend to think of life as being less sloppy than it
is; often the only reason a particular type of event doesn't exist is
because nobody has bothered to try to create it. I challenge you to ask
yourself, the next time you think of an event that would be fun to
attend, "Why haven't I created an event like this?" instead of
asking "Why isn't there an event like this?"
- Yet another possibility might be learning to experience
"love" as something other than a zero-sum game.
- Rituals and Ceremonies
- Typically "sex rituals" that spring from specific
spiritual traditions and which involve complex liturgies are only open
to folks who are participants in that tradition, so you don't have to
worry about complexities of this nature.
- However, a type of "non-denominational" spiritual
vocabulary appears to be arising with regard to more open erotic events
that have a spiritual component, so it's valuable to have a basic
understanding of what the commonly-used phrases (i.e. "erotic
energy," "grounding and centering," etc.) might mean to
you.
- Hosting Erotic Events
- Think About What You Might Like To Create...
- Just as it's helpful to reflect on what you might be looking for
before you attend an erotic event, it's also helpful to reflect on what
you might like to see happen at your event while you're planning it;
questions of this nature will help you with many of the decisions you
might make.
- If you can, it's helpful to attend an event or two put on by others
before throwing your own; this gives you a good first-hand sense of what
might work and what might not.
- Think about whether you want to have a theme. Themes works well if
you want to keep a festive atmosphere and will be inviting folks who
actually like dressing creatively.
- Whatever you may WANT to have happen at your event, be sensitive to
what is ACTUALLY happening and work within that: "You can't push the
river."
- Creating the Guest List
- Choosing your guests carefully is probably more important than any
other single decision that may go into your event, especially for the
first time you hold it.
- If you can, invite at least one exhibitionist (or even better, an
exhibitionistic pair or set of partners) and possibly talk to him/her/them
about being willing to get things started if the event gets off to a slow
start (perhaps by playing with each other, dancing erotically, etc.)
- Try to invite some folks who are experienced at this sort of thing, if
you can.
- It's helpful to talk to prospective guests personally about your first
event. After the first event the folks who attended who want to attend
more events can be sent invitations by mail or e-mail.
- If you're planning a mixed-gender event, you may want to think about
whether the women attending would be more comfortable if they knew the
event would be roughly gender-balanced. If in doubt, ask the some of the
people you want to invite.
- If you're in a coupled relationship (especially a male/female one)
you're not apt to have much success unless both you and your partner are
both in on the inviting.
- Impromptu Events
- Small-scale events (in cases where you and the friends you are with
are obviously turned on to each other) can often be initiated merely by
one person taking the emotional risk to suggest it.
- "I'm feeling turned to all of you, and I think it would be a
shame to let all these good feelings go to waste. How would you all feel
about going back to my place and having fun together?" might be a
good way to phrase this delicate request.
- Safety Decisions
- Should you make safer-sex precautions universally-required at your
event?
- Should you require barriers for oral sex?
- Should you require latex gloves at all? Just for penetration? Or in
all sexual contexts where hands could come into contact with body
fluids?
- Should you provide safer-sex supplies (possibly asking the guests what
they use) or let guests bring their own supplies?
- Do you have a place where the guests can wash their hands? Can they
use your shower if they want to?
- Do you want to have paper towels/baby wipes available?
- Do you want to have lube packets, a little bottles of lube, or
whatever the guests bring?
- Do you want to ask folks to kick in a few dollars to the safer-sex
supplies fund, if the host is providing supplies?
- For BDSM events, will there be one universal safeword?
- Do you want to have "DM's," "Facilitators," or
"Safer Sex Fairies"?
- Will your rule be to "ask before touching" unless something
different is arranged, or is this not strictly necessary due to all the
guests knowing each other, etc.?
- Selecting a Space
- If you're just having friends over, your home or apartment is probably
the best choice. It's a myth that large spaces are necessary; one of the
authors of this outline regularly hosts erotic events involving a dozen or
more folks in the room he rents in his shared home. If even one of the
prospective attendees has a space such as this with sufficient privacy,
your space concerns are solved. Having the guests help decorate and
prepare the space to make it more inviting will involve all of them in a
productive way.
- Big spaces may be necessary for large or semi-public (community
building) events; possibilities including renting bathhouses, private
resorts, or on-premises swing clubs. Renting a space usually creates a
large amount of additional expense which would have to be recovered
through charging admission to the event.
- Rules and Agreements
- Having clear rules when necessary (on issues such as safer sex,
confidentiality, use of the space, etc.) can help in many circumstances;
after all, it does save time in negotiations if you don't have to
negotiate whether or not to use latex, etc. Many parties have the rules
printed up and have the guests sign something saying they read and agree
to them.
- Keep the list of rules brief if at all possible. Try to state them as
positively as you can so they don't become so much of a
"downer."
- Orienting New Folks
- For regular events it might be helpful to have a "tips for new
folks" sheet of some kind that you either give to new folks or
summarize for them. For small events it should be sufficient for the host
to talk to the new person about the event beforehand or as they invite
them, possibly conveying some of the "Emotional Tips" mentioned
in the previous section.
- If possible, emphasize that nobody is going to look down on them for
using the chill-out area (or in general for not choosing to play that
evening or for not having the opportunity to play that evening).
Emphasize they're your guest, and the only thing expected from them is
courtesy and following the common rules.
- Emotional issues sometimes arise during sex. Hopefully, your guests
will understand (or it can be explained to them) that nobody is going to
look down on them for it, though some folks may ask if they're OK and if
there is anything they need in the way of support.
- Setting the Space
- Setting your space nicely makes the guests feel cared for, keeps your
space clean and safe, and makes any safer sex precautions easier for the
guests to follow.
- Room temperature is important: if it's too cold nobody will want to
take their clothes off, if it's way too hot they won't want to play. It's
probably better to err on the warm side than the cold side, however;
cranking up the heat is the best way to help people be comfortable being
nude.
- Candles can be a great mood-setting form of illumination; just be sure
to get ones that can't be tipped or knocked over
- Turning off the house telephone ringers (if possible) is a good
idea
- Sexy music can help; put the CD player
on repeat play unless someone
is assigned to change CDs as necessary.
- Have plenty of soft places for people to lie down and play; mattresses
and pillows help a lot.
- It's a good idea to have coverings for furniture, etc., which people
might want to play on.
- Unless you're using a very big space with a separate TV room in which
erotic videos can be shown, leave the TV off. It generally kills the
party unless it's kept separate.
- Having light snacks and beverages of some kind (generally brought by
the guests in the case of informal events) is a good idea: fruit, juices,
chocolate, etc. are good choices.
- It's helpful to have a "chill-out area" for folks who want
to take a break or are feeling left out. For larger homes, etc., it's
helpful to have social space (generally around the food) and erotic
space.
- For some larger events or theme parties, it might be fun to have
different play spaces clearly labelled in different ways: "Ask Before
Touching", "Feel Free to Jump in!", etc. It might also be
helpful to have the open play areas located between the bathroom and the
food
area, so nervous folks can get accustomed to things in passing by the play
areas on their way to the restrooms or the snacks.
- Opening Activities/Circles
- Involving the guests in the setup for the space can be a good way to
involve everyone in a productive way that gives them time to socialize and
get comfortable with each other.
- For events in which attendees can straggle in at any point, opening
circles, etc. aren't as easy to do. However, if the event will start at a
specific time, at which the guests are expected to be there, it's helpful
to start the event in some formal way.
- Having an opening circle is a good idea. After a period of
socializing and chatting, ask everyone to sit or stand in a circle, facing
each other. Each person can go around and say hi, maybe their name, and
something they're looking forward to that evening (their
"intention"). This sort of thing can be very helpful for folks
who want a space to say something everyone will hear, such as that they
won't be having any sex that evening and not to take it personally, that
they're in a monogamous relationship and are there just to socialize and
chat, that there's some fantasy they'd love to live out that evening, etc.
This also gives the host a chance to welcome everyone.
- Feeding each other, passing objects between each other without using
hands, or exchanging back-rubs can be nice ice-breakers; they also give
everyone a chance to feel involved, whether or not they end up being able
to play with anyone that evening. Of course, if everyone already knows
each other this sort of thing might still be fun, but may not be strictly
necessary.
- Having everyone get out of their street clothes somehow, perhaps by
ritually undressing each other, can also help them make the transition to
erotic space.
- Having an explicit safer-sex demo can be a mood-enhancing and
educational opening activity.
- Another thing that can be fun and productive is to have one of the
icebreakers be an exercise in communication. Many difficulties which
people have with erotic events center around worrying about experiencing
something they are uncomfortable with, or worrying about feeling left
out and unsure how to ask for what they would like. Sometimes new folks
may not feel as if they know enough of the other attendees. Here are
some suggestions for icebreakers which address these concerns:
- Arrange the attendees into two circles of equal numbers, with the
inner circle facing the outer circle. Each person has some sort of
interaction (hugging? kissing? sharing something verbally? saying
something that's real? "the thing that I'm most afraid to tell you
about myself is...") with the person they are facing, and then the
inner circle rotates.
- Have people pair up (or rotate in circles as above) and do the
following exercise: one person of the two asks the other (as
flirtatiously as he or she likes) to do something sensual with him or
her. The other person should reply with "No, thank you" or
"No, but is there something else we could do together?" This
sounds strange as it's described here, but it's actually fun and is
wonderful practice in being able to say no without the other person
getting weird about it. If you do this exercise, you should do a
similar exercise where one person asks specifically for something
fun and innocuous that they would like (such as a backrub or a handrub
or something like that); the intent here is to learn to associate good
feelings with asking for what you want. Anyway, if you do exercises
that concern being able to say and hear "no" from an
emotionally neutral space, as well as exercises that concern asking for
what you want, it's likely that the communication and hence the play
will be better in the event itself.
- Getting together in small groups and slowly (ritually) undressing
each other can be a fun way to get started.
- Laughter is a great icebreaker. Should you ask everyone to bring a
joke?
- Helping Guests Feel Comfortable and Safe
- When new folks feel lost or alienated, they may be additionally
worrying that other attendees might be judging them for not playing (which
is almost never really the case, of course). This can form an
uncomfortable mental feedback loop. The only way to break it is for them
to either get them involved somehow (even in a simple chore such as
preparing more dip or whatever) or for them to remember that it's OK to
chill out for a while. This is usually only a problem with very
inexperienced folks.
- It's helpful if there are some things which everyone can participate
in so nobody feels completely left out. For events which have an opening
circle or icebreaker of some kind, this may be all that is necessary.
- It's pretty common at erotic events for the hosts to be clear with the
guest about the rules (what they shouldn't do). It's less common,
unfortunately, for hosts to be clear with guests about what they CAN do
and on how to have a good time. Any tips you can give your guests along
these lines will be listened to and appreciated.
- Specific Considerations for Threesomes
- Threesomes usually work best when one person of the three is the focus
of attention at any given time. Who this is can shift during the course
of the evening (or morning); the only point is to avoid having one person
of the three feel left out, which can happen if two people "pair
off," leaving no clear role for the other person.
- Another comfortable way for this type of experience to get started and
develop is for the two partners who are the most familiar with each other
to take the initiative and "seduce" the third.
- Miscellaneous Considerations
- It's probably not a good idea for the host to provide alcohol,
especially for events that have been advertised (in any sense of the
word). Other than this whether to allow intoxicants is your choice: there
are pros and cons in both directions.
- Noise may be a consideration; there are few things more annoying than
having an erotic gathering disrupted by a whining housemate pounding on
the ceiling (or worse, knocking on the door) or the neighbors yelling at
you. Check this out and make any necessary agreements with your
housemates (if any) ahead of time. In general, take care that party won't
be interrupted by sex-negative folks, roommates, etc.; that's not fair to
anyone and can be a definite mood-killer.
- Fantasy Bulletin Board
- These are fun, especially at big events where everyone might not know
each other or get to have in-depth conversations with each other.
- Folks can tack up (on the bulletin board) descriptions of things they
would like to do, and folks interested in doing those things can get in
touch with them at the event.
- Bringing the Event to a Close
- If there's a definite closing time you need to have (or if there isn't
one and guests can stay overnight) it's good to let the guests know this
at the start of the event or before.
- If it's time for everyone to leave, thank the guests for attending and
helping create a good time; saying you would like host a similar event
again (if you indeed would) is also a nice gesture.
- For events which began with an opening circle and which end at a
definite time, it can be nice to close them with a closing circle that
gives everyone a chance to speak.
- Avoiding Burnout
- It's important that you as the host feel taken care of. If you want
your guests to help you out in some way, ask for what you need.
- One critical tip is for hosts to have co-instigators for events,
especially bigger ones, and/or co-hosts who can be responsible for things
while the host socializes or plays.
- Asking for help when you need it is critical for not burning out, as
is having folks around you whom you can depend on (if it becomes clear
that the events won't go on without more support these folks will often
come out of the woodwork).
- Finding New Potential Guests
- Through having existing regular guests invite friends they think are
appropriate, and whom they are willing to take responsibility for
- Through existing sex-positive events and community you already
participate in
- Through friends
- Through personal ads
This section is intended to help you in brainstorming as you plan your
event. Its intent is to provide questions and hints that might apply
to a wide variety of events, including very large public ones; for a
small event (such as having a few friends over for an erotic evening)
only a few of these considerations may apply to you. You might want to
follow through this section with pen and paper, answering questions,
brainstorming, and planning as you go.
Purpose/Intention: What is your purpose, intention, or expected
outcome for the event you want to sponsor?
This is the starting point. A clear purpose will help you with the next
step of finding a creative collaborator and creating the invitation
list. This is a time for reflection.
Creative Collaborators: Who is collaborating with you on this
project?
If you don't have a co-creator at this time, make an effort to enlist
one. Three co-creators or more is best.
Event Description: Will the event be public or private? Large or
small? Gender/orientation specific? Friends only? Clean and
sober?
Do this with your collaborators. Describe this event using the
questions as a guide. Ask each other questions to form a working
concept for your event. Your concept will guide your decisions along
the way.
The Guest List: Who will you invite? Why? How many?
Begin with a broad list and narrow it down to fit your purpose; greater
numbers will require a larger space. Who do you want to play with?
Will this be a fun group, a supportive group, etc.? You purpose can
help guide you here.
Setting a Date and Time: When do you want to have this event?
Give yourself enough time to promote your event. A small, spontaneous
gathering might not take much lead time at all. A larger event, with a
theme might need more than a month's lead time. Your event site might
need to be reserved months in advance.
Choosing a Location: List your site preferences for hosting your
event. Your previous decisions should help you with site
selection.
The number of guests, the event theme, the event purpose, whether it is
private or not, budget constraints, etc. will all help you chose the
most appropriate site. Some things to look for (depending on what type
of event you are envisioning): water on site, toilets
on site, showers on site, kitchen on site, ability to control
temperature and drafts, noise control, adequate parking, easy-to-find
location, adaptability to multiple environments, accessibility, easy of
exit in emergencies, phone on site (if no attendees have a cell phone),
and reasonable personal and site security. Of course, for small to medium
sized events your house or room might work just fine...
Create an Event Budget: How much will this event cost? How will you
pay for it? Will you charge a fee? Will you enlist volunteers?
A small potluck gathering at home with close friends who bring their own
safe sex supplies has very little cost. A catered party at a private
club will cost more. Depending on the event, some costs might be site
and equipment rental, vehicle rental fees, catering, food, beverage,
cleaning fees, flowers, decorating, promotional materials, insurance,
etc. Start with general categories and add detail as you go along. You
can use this information for creating your event fee if your goal is to
share the costs with the participants.
Safer Sex Requirements: Are there any safer sex requirements for this
event? Will your guests know of them? How will they know?
It may be important that you know the answer to this question before you
invite your guests. Some of your guests will ask. Some have clear
preferences and agreements with partners. If safer sex guidelines
apply, will you be providing safer sex supplies or will each participant
need to bring some? Will barriers be required for all fluid exchange or
just some sexual acts? Will barriers be required for everyone? Everyone
except "couples"?
Promoting Your Event: How will you let people know they are invited?
Is this a public event? A private event? Some considerations: Cost,
timeliness, ease of access.
E-mail is by far the least expensive way to promote events, provided
your guests all have e-mail accounts. Newspaper/newsletter ads,
posting/mailing flyers, etc. are possible alternatives. A phone call is
a warm way to invite someone, as is a face-to-face invitation. This
may be all that is needed for a small event. Involve participants in
volunteer activity as much as possible. If you are concerned about
excessive "no-shows," you might consider having folks pay any
event fees in advance.
The Participants: Do you know who will be coming to the event? Do
you really need this information?
If you want to know who is coming to the event you can require an RSVP,
a deposit, or an event fee paid in advance. Some reasons for knowing
might include food and beverage planning, space considerations,
gender/orientation considerations or balance, relationship dynamics,
etc.
Setting/Ambiance: How will the event environment be conducive to
encouraging sexual/sensual/intimate expression?
Can you decorate to have the event reflect a central or fun theme? A
healing circle may be supported differently than a disco theme... Will
you need distinct areas for promoting different activities? Quiet spots
for alone time, a buffet area for food, a hot tub area, puppy pile
zones, an area for viewing videos, etc. are all possibilities. Will
you have a band, or will a CD changer be sufficient? What is the room
temperature like? A hot room will encourage folks to discard
clothing...
Beverages, Snacks, Food: Will you be providing snacks and beverages?
Will you ask people to provide a potluck dish or item? Where will food
be prepped? Can you store and handle food safely?
Some snacks and beverages are necessary for managing blood sugar and
energy levels. Will you need a kitchen? Will you use disposables?
Will participants bring their own dinnerware? Who will clean up? Can
you have a separate area for eating and socializing? Will you serve
alcohol? Are you aware of local laws governing the dispensing or sale
of alcoholic beverages, and host liability for same? Will your event be
a sober event? Are some of the participants vegetarian? Vegan?
Sensitive to some foods or ingredients? Will food be used in the play
area?
Safe Space (The Facility): Ensuring a safe play space may involve
considerations such as fire, allergies, hot tub and pool safety,
sufficient parking, food storage and handling, carpets, stairs, first
aid, CPR, emergency exit and aid summons.
Guests should know of any hazards to be avoided, the location of fire
exits and the location of the phone for emergency use. Fire
extinguishers should be nearby if open flames are involved such as
fireplaces, fire pits, candles, etc. A first aid kit should be
available for minor emergencies. Food needs to be stored at adequately
low temperatures and cooked to sufficiently high temperatures in some
instances. Let folks know ahead of time if the event location has cats,
dogs, or other sources of common allergic reactions.
Safe Space (Personal Safety): Creating an environment that respects
personal boundaries and emotional vulnerability can be planned for. A
social area can be designated for casual non-sexual interactions. A
meditation zone or "safe zone" can be set up for
"chilling out" or for alone time.
Personal safety of the participants begins with the guest invitations
being directed to appropriate individuals. Next is the communication of
behavioral expectations to all participants and verifying that each
participant is informed of these requirements. The host and/or
designated assistants can be available to intervene in the event of
inappropriate behaviors. And finally each of the participants is
responsible for communicating personal boundaries, for saying
"no" to propositions that are inappropriate at the time, and
for clearly stating their own needs.
Expectations and Agreements: Communicating behavioral expectations
before the event and verifying that each participant understands what
these expectations are.
This is a major component to ensuring a safe play space. Samples of
event agreements are included in this document. Some assumptions in
safe play spaces may include "No means no" (hear this
respectfully), "Ask before you touch", etc. Consent needs to
be clear, along with any safer sex expectations. Tolerance should be
expected for others' sexual orientations and practices. Transfer of
communications of behavior protocols are verified by the signing, by
each guest, of a liability waiver where expectations are clearly stated
and agreed to by the signor.
Storage: Where will guests put their outerwear and clothes?
Storage can be as simple as requiring each guest to bring a shopping bag
with their name written on it, for holding clothes and loose items.
Bags can be put under a table, in a hallway, or a closet. More
elaborate storage could include lockers. Some reasons for providing
storage include: keeps the play areas clean, cleaning up afterwards is
easier, loss of personal items is kept to a minimum, etc.
Getting Started (Arrivals/Openings): Greeting guests, agreements,
site tour, food storage, outerwear storage, do's and don'ts.
Arrival times can be hectic. Ensure that all necessary communications
take place with each guest. This is a good time to have agreements read
and signed. If host wants to participate in the fun, the greeting task
can be rotated between the collaborators and other volunteers. Consider
instituting an arrival hour, a time period set aside for greetings after
which the doors are closed to new guests, allowing those present to be
fully involved in the event activities, etc. Other considerations might
be the creation of introductory icebreakers or an opening circle.
Getting Started (The Erotic Charge): Initiating group sexual play
might include one or more of these considerations: your overall purpose,
your guest list, the environment, etc. Your invitation and subsequent
communication should have been clear about the sexual nature of the
event and activities.
Anticipation is one cornerstone for erotic beginnings. Greeting guests
can include a dose of erotic charging using costume, talking about the
do's and don'ts, pointing out the safer sex supplies, the toys, and
perhaps accessories like swings and slings and harnesses. Other folks
openly engaged in kissing and touching add an air of sexual excitement.
Erotic games and icebreakers can be helpful. A "set" of folks
who begin sexual activities in the central play area can be arranged
ahead of time.
Ending the Event: How will participants know when the event is
over?
Closing circle or closing event can be planned for the ending time; this
is a good time for group announcements, arranging rides, etc. Announce
the ending time (if any) when the invitation is extended. Begin closure
activities on time: putting away food, initiating clean-up, turning on
lights, changing the music and environment
to encourage guests to leave,
thanking them for attending, etc.
General Concerns: Have you given thought to possible nuisances such
as noise, parking, age constraints, alcohol control laws, property
damage liability, personal injury liability, etc.?
Ask your guests to observe any parking restrictions in your area.
Ensure that the noise of your event is contained; you don't want
activities interrupted due to a complaint from a neighbor to
authorities. Take personal responsibility for the site, and ensure that
the property is returned to its original condition. Remember that laws
protecting sexual behavior between consenting adults apply to adults
only and not to minors and adults.
Start slow, but for heaven's sake, do start. Most people aren't going
to be comfortable stripping off their clothes immediately and fucking, but
nothing makes people feel shyer than sitting around staring at each other
and not knowing what to do next. Backrubs and footrubs are wonderful
icebreakers - try suggesting them. Silly party games can work pretty
well, too.
(Actually, there are a lot of somewhat gimmicky things that can help
break the ice. Undressing is sometimes awkward - wearing togas, or
appearing in some other state of semi undress or at least not standard
dress can get past it. Eating strawberries and whipped cream off one
person can get things moving. The list is endless - imagination can be a
wonderful thing.)
If you have a somewhat large group of people, sitting in a circle with
one person (which one is alternated, usually) in the center can be a good
way to have fun and still keep the group together. It's very important
the central person, in particular, expresses what is and what isn't okay
with them - getting all that attention can be nice, but it can also be a
little overwhelming. (in my experience, such arrangements usually break
up into less formal clusters of people after a certain amount of momentum
is achieved - but it's a great way to get moving.)
Remember that the other people there are probably just as shy and
insecure as you are. Try to make them feel welcome, and cut everyone
some slack. When people are nervous, it can be easy to say the wrong
thing.
If two or more of the people involved are established lovers, it can
work well for them to seduce the other(s), taking the initiative, and kind
of acting as hosts. Having an established relationship, they probably
have more room not to be paying attention to each other every minute - if
they are secure enough to be comfortable with this, it can take the
pressure off other people a lot.
Make sure you have plenty of supplies on hand. This list will vary
depending on what you are doing; mine includes appropriate latex, both
paper and cloth towels, ice water to drink, a waste paper basket with a
waterproof liner, lube, massage oil, extra sheets, toys, good firm
pillows, and a bathroom that you don't have to get dressed to use.
Talk. And be honest. Spend some time talking before you do anything -
maybe in a neutral space. Talk while you're having sex - about what you
like and don't like, try different things, etc. Talk after, too. Maybe a
little while after - sometimes people need time to process.
Be careful about your expectations. Things often develop best if you
aren't too attached to a particular outcome. I've seen a lot of people
who were too caught up in "let's go have intercourse" to enjoy
what was more readily available, and what was more comfortable to their
partners. I've seen the same sort of situations arise from people whose
expected outcomes were something more like "I want to be involved in
a perfect polyfidelitous triad where no one ever gets their feelings hurt
or feels jealous and we all live happily ever after". Don't miss out
on what the world actually has to offer because you're too hung up on your
ideal situation. There can be quite a gap between theory and
practice.
On the other hand, of course, do your best to be aware of any hard and
fast requirements that you have.
Do be prepared to be surprised - we don't always respond to new
situations the way we expect to. And if you are surprised, either by
things that you like or things that you don't like, try not to spend a lot
of time beating yourself over the head for not knowing ahead of time. It
can be a little hard to roll with self revelation.... but it's part of the
game.
Keep an eye on group dynamics. Be aware of people who might be feeling
left out. Just because you are feeling completely blissed out and
attended to doesn't mean that everyone else is feeling the same way. (On
the other hand - if you are feeling left out, it's okay to speak up about
it, and remember that sex is distracting, and probably people weren't
ignoring you on purpose.)
I've noticed that it can be hard to incorporate intercourse into larger
groups. It can be pretty dyadic, triadic at best. This isn't a bad
thing, especially if the group doesn't mind breaking up into smaller
subgroups from time to time, or having people at various different levels
of involvements at different times. But in a nervous group, it might not
be something to pursue right off the bat.
Give yourselves lot of time. Deadlines really suck.
Be as clear as you can be (to yourself, anyway) about how you feel
about the other members of the group before going in. If you think that X
is really hot, and that's why you're there, but that Y is really gross,
it's cruel and dishonest to get into a group sex sort of situation with
both of them and then either actively or passively discourage and avoid
Y.
Mundane, boring things like organization can make a hell of a
difference. Provide appropriate supports (futons, beds, tables, whatever)
for people to avoid cricked necks and numb limbs. Work with people to
make sure good reliable child care is set up - and far enough away from
you that it won't be a potential distraction. Serve either only a light
meal, or eat a few hours before you're going to be doing anything. Make
sure you know about people's allergies. Group sex tends to start with the
idea of an intimate romantic evening... and still requires the skills of
an event planner.
Introduction
Ceremony (or ritual) has been a basic part of life for peoples
throughout the world, throughout history. Ritual may be defined as a
patterned and symbolic expression of one's relationship to others, the
world, and/or cosmos. Rituals can mark passage of time, seasons,
beginnings, endings, union, and separation. They can be dedicated to
healing, creating change, reaffirming community, or nearly any other
outcome.
Common Ritual Elements
Effective ritual usually makes use of all available sensory receptors,
and includes portions dedicated to awakening one or more of the senses.
Often scents are used to activate the sense of smell (incense/aromatherapy
indoors - the smell of the forest or a seashore if outdoors); small pieces
of food or beverage can awaken the sense of taste; stretches and dance can
awaken the sense of movement (with drums and rattles providing the
rhythm); mandalas, special setting, décor, or colorful costume can
awaken the visual sense; chanting, music, or poetry can awaken the aural
sense. Sometimes the total experience can be recalled if parts of the
ceremony are "anchored" in your subconscious by association to a
specific sensory stimulus.
Effective ritual also makes use of universal symbols,
"archetypes," and metaphors to access subconscious parts of our
intelligence. References to the "elements" of "fire,
water, earth, and air" are common, and references to polarities
("up and down," "hot and cold," "male and
female," etc.) can be useful. Story-telling can create effective
guided meditations.
Common Ritual Steps
Intent/Purpose
The "why" of the ceremony, the specific reason for
the gathering. This could include the tools and exercises that will be
used to achieve the stated outcome.
The Circle of Participants
The practice of gathering participants into a circle. This
allows all participants to face each other, defines the working space, and
allows participants to establish initial ceremonial connection (often by
the holding of hands around the circle). For sex ritual this might include
a ritual disrobing of the participants and forming heart connections. It
is the first step in creating focus and attention.
Preparing the Ceremonial Space
The practice of establishing a space of safety and peace for
the enactment of the ceremony. It helps create the boundaries of the
ceremonial space and heightens focus/attention; it can be done with words
and/or symbolic activity. For sex ritual it could include the
establishment of personal and group boundaries.
Making Ceremonial Space a Sacred Space
This step delineates the "space between the world"
from the "mundane world." The work done in the ritual space is
concentrated in the space through this step, which can be elaborate or
simple. The space is often created as a circle or sphere, either imagined
or outlined by a physical border (i.e. lines drawn on the ground/floor,
the walls of a room, the placement of sacred or personal objects/icons,
etc.). A sex ritual could include the introduction of "sex toys"
to the space, erotic images, and/or reading erotic stories and poems.
Often specific energies, spirits, and blessings are called upon to guard
the space. Sex ritual could include an evocation of latex barriers for
safe sex play.
Centering/Grounding
This is the act of putting the circle and yourself "at the
center of the universe." In practical terms this means leaving behind
the bustle of the day and becoming totally present in the ceremonial
space. Your attention and focus is entirely on the ceremonial work you are
involved in. Ceremonially, what is happening is that the group is tuning
its individual central nervous systems to each other and the "pulse
of life" reverberating through and around us (i.e.: preparing for
"cosmic orgasm").
The Central Working of the Ceremony
The symbolic enactment of the ceremony's core purpose. In a sex
ritual that includes ecstatic union with the divine as a core theme,
sexual charging and discharge of that sexual energy can be part of the
ceremony.
Concluding the Ceremony
Notice when the central core of the ceremony has been
discharged. Notice the shift back to the centered/grounded space. After a
few minutes of non-activity, the passing of food and drink is helpful for
the grounding process, drawing consciousness back to the center of the
circle. Facilitators clearly end the ceremony, acknowledging all present
and formally opening the circle to the "mundane" world. The
conclusion can be a beginning to an especially delicious play party.
The Classics
- Naked Twister
- Truth or Dare
- Passing objects amongst each other without using hands
Rewards and Punishments
These can be used in a variety of different games or can be chosen
randomly. As the evening wears on the section numbers should
increase.
Section 1
- Describe a non-sexual fantasy.
- Answer a non-sexual question from the group.
- Use a condom in a non-sexual way.
- Talk for thirty seconds about pornography without hesitating and
without using the word 'magazine'.
Section 2
- Spend twenty seconds (or so!) cuddling someone.
- Pick someone and spend twenty seconds (or so!) playing with their hair.
- Eat a banana in a provocative manner.
- Name (or describe) three sexual positions.
- Keep a straight face for ten seconds while someone tickles your feet.
- Spend twenty seconds showing off your best physical characteristic.
- Talk for thirty seconds about your body without hesitating.
Section 3
- Describe a sexual fantasy.
- Spend a minute giving someone a back rub.
- Describe something you find attractive about someone in the room.
- Educate the room about the facts of life. You may not assume any
prior knowledge of the subject.
Section 4
- Spend thirty seconds kissing someone.
- Educate the room about safe sex. You may use any readily available
materials [provided the owner is willing!] but may not assume any prior
knowledge.
- Spend thirty seconds nibbling someone's ear, or have them nibble yours
for thirty seconds.
- With a blindfold on, and your hands behind your back, kiss three
people and then say who was who.
- Pick someone and demonstrate a sexual position [basics only!]
- Spend thirty seconds fondling someone's (clothed!) legs.
- Uncover your back completely, pick someone, and have them give you a
backrub for a minute.
Section 5
- Spend one minute french kissing someone.
- Spend thirty seconds fondling someone's (clothed) chest/torso region
and/or butt.
- Spend one minute fondling someone's bare legs.
- Remove all your outer clothes for the rest of the game.
- Moon.
- Educate the room about oral sex. You may use any readily available
materials [provided the owner is willing!] but may not assume any prior
knowledge.
- Have someone else remove an item of your clothing.
Section 6
- Spend thirty seconds fondling someone's (covered) genitals.
- Spend one minute fondling someone's bare chest/torso region and/or
butt.
- Remove all your outer clothes for the rest of the game; if you are
already down to your underwear, remove it for the rest of the game.
- Fake an orgasm.
Section 7
- Look at three women's breasts and then identify them while
blindfolded.
- Look at three penises and then identify them while blindfolded.
- Spend one minute fondling someone's uncovered genitals.
- Pick two other people in the room, and spend one minute in a
threesome.
- Spend a minute tied down while someone uses you for their
satisfaction.
- Spend a minute playing a different gender role in
lovemaking.
Section 8
- Spend one minute attending to someone's sexual satisfaction, with
no thought of your own.
- Spend thirty seconds playing with yourself in view of the rest of the
room.
- Spend thirty seconds giving someone oral sex.
- Have someone spend thirty seconds fondling your uncovered genitals,
during which time you must remain perfectly still and quiet.
The Rules
- Participants must observe these "safer sex" guidelines:
- No oral, vaginal, or anal penetration without condoms or latex gloves.
Gloves and condoms must be replaced before each interaction with a new
partner. The use of oral barriers is recommended but not
required.
- Any sex toys which will come into contact bodily fluids must be
covered with latex before use on another person.
- All physical interaction must have the explicit consent of the
parties involved. You may not just "reach out and touch
someone" without their specific verbal permission. We recommend that
you use "safe words" to tell people to stop doing anything you
don't want them to do. Unless you have been informed of someone's
personal "safe word"(s), the word "stop" should be
interpreted to mean "stop."
- Taking pictures and making audio or video recordings is prohibited.
- Please keep the identities of the Hosts and all Participants
completely confidential..
- The participants and activities in the party will represent a
variety of sexual orientations. Please be tolerant of alternate forms of
sexual behavior. If you don't like it, don't join in!
- We hope everyone stays for the duration of the party, but if you
must leave early, please do so quietly and respectfully.
- You must sign the Participation Agreement below to take part in
the party.
This Agreement concerns your participation in the Safer Sex Party held
Saturday, September xx, 19xx at xxxx Avenue ("Party"). Failure
to sign this Agreement precludes your admission to the Party. Please read
it carefully and sign below.
- I, the undersigned, certify that I am 18 years of age or over. I
have read and understand this document and the rules it contains.
- I understand that my attendance does not require me to interact
with any persons without my explicit consent.
- I understand that any interactions I initiate with any other
Participants without their explicit consent will result in my own
expulsion from the Party.
- I release the Party's Hosts ("Hosts") from all
liability concerning any consequences to my welfare, physical or
psychological, that may ensue from my participation. I release the Hosts
from any legal or financial obligation to me resulting from the Party at
any time.
- I agree to inform any persons with whom I interact of any
communicable diseases or illnesses I may have. (Ex. sore throats, STDs,
cold sores, etc.)
- I understand that I have a responsibility to alert the hosts if I
have any difficulties at the Party or if I see other Participants not
abiding by the rules.
Commentary from the Author of the Above Rules
For some parties I've included a note to the invitees discussing other
issues that have been raised at previous parties. I let invitees know
that nothing is expected of them (i.e., they don't have to get
naked, or be sexual, if they don't feel like it). I've described a wide
range of behaviors that people engage in at these parties: kissing,
cuddling, dancing, eating, talking, schmoozing, playing musical
instruments, singing, stroking, tickling, petting, fucking, loving, etc.
etc.
I also encourage people to come with no expectations, i.e. don't expect
to find your life partner, or even a recurring lover, here. Lasting
relationships have been started at some of my parties, but don't assume
that just because someone plays with you at a party that they're willing
or available to be your lover after the party. Of course, don't
assume that they're not interested/available, either. Just ask, or
offer your phone number...
I've talked about my personal philosophy of why I enjoy these parties:
I like to provide a space where being sexual is part of a normal
interaction with people. We have gatherings where drinking, playing
Bridge, watching sports, shopping or whatever is the focus. Why not sex?
It's also important to tell people what they need to bring. If you're
letting people spend the night (which is fun, because often the Sunday
morning post-party-party can be the most fun!) then they may need to bring
bedding and a towel. I rarely have enough towels to go around. You can
also encourage people to bring their sexy lingerie, their favorite toys,
and their own latex.
Finally, I've said that being invited to the party does not mean
that the hosts are hot for them. It's not a "come-on" (believe
it or not, I've had people react like that to me.) Of course, it doesn't
mean the hosts aren't interested in them either...
How do I go about inviting people? Well, I usually start by talking
about the party, and explaining why I enjoy them, and why I enjoy hosting
them. At first I used to ask if people would want to be invited to
the party (since sometimes inviting someone to a party makes them feel
obliged to accept). Many people whom I'd never expected to be
interested said, "Oh, yes, definitely!!" And some people said,
"No, definitely not."
When I first started with a friend to host these parties, she and I
thought we'd have to put in a personal ad in order to drum up interest: we
grossly underestimated the sluttiness of our own friends. Once we started
talking about the concept, we got a good sense of who was interested. Our
first party probably only had about 10-12 people at it, but that was fine.
To date, our largest party had about 50 (that was just about too large for
us.)
We started out each party with a potluck dinner, non-sexual time, to
allow people time to socialize. One party I've been to had a full day of
non-sexual socializing time. I think that's really cool. At an appointed
time, we ask everyone to gather in a circle. Depending on the level of
experience the majority of people attending have, I give a short talk on
issues of consensuality and confidentiality. Then I give a safer sex
demonstration, using dildos, vibrators, and latex products (demonstrating
the proper way to remove a condom from a penis that's just cum,
demonstrating how to make a dental dam out of a glove or condom, etc.)
I also ask if there are volunteers to be co-hosts: someone people can
go to with a problem if the official host is, um, occupied. I usually
pick people with lots of sex party experience, and ask them to stand up
& introduce themselves so the others can know who they are.
At one party I had people write down a fantasy that they had for the
evening and tape it to a wall. That way they could find people to help
them fulfill the fantasy...
Someday I'd like to have a party with a slut-fashion show, with men
& women dressing up and parading their stuff... At another party, a
group of us began the sexual festivities by enacting a
dominance/submission scene.
By the way, these are my rules. Feel free to alter them to fit
whatever your needs and desires are. Also, feel free to copy them
verbatim if you're going to have a party.
I hope this has been helpful!
Welcome! We ask that you read and adhere to the following cultural
conventions and protocols.
Assumptions and Expectations
You are an explorer of life/sexuality and you extend reciprocal respect to
others regardless of differences in ideas, personal experience,
background, sexual self-expression and temperment.
You welcome responsibility for yourself and others in order to remain
present in current experience, and your approach to this particular
experience will be characterized by openness and honesty.
You are able to bring your personal safety with you, and you are able to
experience intimacy without precipitously abandoning your agreements.
Manners and Protocol
Stay on the path, do not feed the animals, report all questionable
situations.
Stay fully conscious of your own and others' boundaries. Be clear that
you have received consent before joining others' activities. Please
accept full responsibility for refusing any request that is not
appropriate for you at the time.
Practice high standards of public health, safety and welfare.
Specifically, practice safer sex with everyone at all times. Do not
exchange fluids between people. Use latex or barriers for every encounter
involving body fluids. Safer sex supplies are available.
Use the four step hand-washing station when transitioning between
people.
Know what you are doing or ask for supervision. Do not engage in any
practice until you understand fully the choice you are making.
Be willing to engage in dialog with others who question your conduct.
Do your share. Look for ways to be supportive. Help out in appropriate
ways.
Confidentiality
Tell your own story, but allow and respect each person's right to tell
their own story.
After the event you are free to discuss ideas and your actions, but do not
include anyone else's name in your story.
Do not disclose names of participants to others.
House Rules
Please smoke outside. Ensure the safety of this space, and do not invite
others to join this space without the approval of the host.
Ask for what you want. Endure nothing.
Acceptance
I am at least 18 years old. I have read and understand the above. I
understand that the host of this event is not responsible for personal
injury or damaged/lost property.
The party which this document served for occurred in March, 1996 to
commemorate the first birthday of Society for Human Sexuality. It was
held at a private home. About 50 people attended, with a 50/50 mix of
male/female and straight/queer. Vanilla and kinky attendees were equally
welcome, and the downstairs play area was used by various configurations
of folks for most of the evening (i.e. good time was had by all). This
document is being reposted here for the benefit of folks who might want to
host similar events.
Greetings!
Your hosts wish to warmly welcome you to their home, and hope that you
have a great time tonight. As parties such as this one which may
include sex or SM play involve more care than usual in their planning
and execution, we ask that you carefully read this document, sign at the
bottom if you agree to it, and return this document to one of your
hosts. Rest assured that these forms will be held completely
confidential.
Please keep in mind that these agreements were created so we can all
have a fun time, and so we can all feel comfortable and safe.
Also, your hosts intend to have a pleasant evening socializing with our
guests and playing. Feel free to remind other people of these rules, or
of how to be cool in general, so that your hosts don't have to worry!
The Big Rule
Basically, the upstairs of this house is for socializing, and the
downstairs is reserved for sexual and SM play. As it can be distracting
to people having sex or engaged in SM play to have extraneous
conversations going on around them, or to have people aimlessly milling
around their area (and generally crowding the limited space available),
we've created a very simple rule:
Please go downstairs only if you're going with someone whom you've
agreed to play with, or if there's someone already downstairs whom you
have previously agreed to play with or whom have an ongoing intimate
relationship with.
If you arrived late and you're not sure whether your intimate friend is
downstairs or not, please ask one of the party hosts or a "temporary
host" (see below) to check for you.
Some of you will be attending this party with intimate partners. Others
are "single." It is COMPLETELY OK with us if you're "single," you meet
someone here, and you two (or three) decide to play together. However,
the upstairs of our home is where meeting and negotiating should take
place.
The General Rules
Take your shoes off when coming in the house. Don't smoke in the house,
and be tidy with your butts if you smoke outside. Be sure the windows
and/or blinds are shut if anything loud or "interesting" is going on.
Don't use the door leading downstairs next to the dishwasher in the
kitchen. If you're going downstairs, use instead the door in the main
hallway, between the upstairs bedroom and the bathroom. The upstairs
bedroom is off-limits. Your hosts may designate someone during the
course of the evening to be a "temporary host," so that your hosts may
have more freedom to socialize and play. Should we do this, you may
approach this person with any questions you have, and we ask that you
respect this person's protocol reminders as you would our own.
If you have any specific questions or requests, please don't hesitate to
ask your hosts.
The Playspace Rules
Basically, we ask that you be tidy.
For hygienic reasons, avoid getting any body fluids on the floor or
other shared areas and items. For many of you, this will be a non-issue
if you practice safe sex. Discard any used safe sex supplies in the
trash cans, and discard of the wrappers for condoms and other supplies
in the same manner. Feel free to use our antiseptic towelettes as
necessary. Due to ventilation and space constraints, we ask that you not
engage in fire play or single-tail whip play.
How to Really Get Popular
Let your hosts know if you have any talents, skills, ideas, or resources
which you would like to contribute to events such as this. Volunteering
to speak on topics you're familiar with, volunteering a space where
parties like this could be held in the future (as your hosts are moving
in a few weeks, and won't be able to host sex parties and sex workshops
in our new house), volunteering to make/distribute flyers for more
public events, etc., are all very cool things. Actually, the issue of
space is probably the biggest deal; if we're going to have parties like
this or informal workshops again, someone (other than the current hosts)
needs to volunteer their home for them.
The Fine Print
By signing this document, you are certifying the following:
That you're over the age of 18. That you freely wish to be here. That any
sex or SM play you engage in with others will be mutually consensual.
That you are not a member of the press. That you agree to hold harmless
the party hosts from any liabilities stemming from this event. That you
will not solicit or agree to any act of prostitution. That you will keep
confidential the names of anyone you meet and/or see here, unless they
specifically tell you they're "out", and that you not publish the
address of this event or the names of the hosts. That you not take
photographs, or videotape anyone, with or without their consent (this is
to protect your privacy as well as ours.) That (for practical and legal
reasons) you keep this a drug and alcohol free party, including both the
house itself and its surrounding property.
That's all. We hope you have a great time with us tonight!
The following links are to sets of rules and guidelines for various
other erotic events:
by Pandora
Intentions
- Group bonding among the men
- Erotic massage instruction
- Fun
Group Gathering
- Welcome and logistics of the space
- Announcements
- What are you looking for from this group?
- Forming an intention for this circle this evening
- Invitation
- Look at what you hesitate/mistrust about other men.
- What do you long for from other men?
- How do you want to be with this group?
Group Unclothing/Eye Gazing/Greeting Ritual
Massage Instruction
- Touching with clear intention
- Staying focused on your receiver
- Ask for what you want/Endure nothing.
- Stoking erotic energy
- Charging breath
- One hand on the cock most of the time
- Hard dicks aren't a requirement for receiving pleasure.
- Anal play ONLY by invitation, and ONLY after beginning erotic
charging.
- Ejaculation ONLY by intention of RECEIVER.
- Sexual safety and hygiene
- Gloves for anal play
- Handiwipes for semen
- For leakers, condoms are advised, not required
- Gloves for anyone who is nervous about STD transmission.
- Wash hands after touching each receiver before touching others or
yourself.
Setting the Stage for Ritual Massage
- Gather in groups of three and choose a table
- Decide who's first
- Set up the tables (sheets, towels)?
- Get instructions from receiver about likes, dislikes, do's and
don'ts
Induction of Masage
- Breathing together.
- Masseurs check with one another.
- Lower you hands to the receiver's body
- All-over body wake-up (Do you want your back worked on for a few
minutes?)
- Oil to bodies (nipples to knees)
Massage Notes
- Masseurs breathe fully with receiver
- One hand on the Magic Wand
- Receivers remember to breathe, stay present with your masseurs.
- Allow receiver a few moments at the end to be with his own process.
Closing Circle
- Open space for comments
- Did you get what you wanted?
- Give us feedback about how we can improve it. Speak to an
instigator.
- Any last words for this circle of men?
Annie Sprinkle has just finished a new videotape
outlining her women's erotic massage ritual. I haven't had a chance to see it yet, but it will probably follow the outline that she contributed to the book Ritual Sex, and which underlies part of the Body Electric women's course.
Ideas for hosting mixed (men's and women's) massage events are available
in a guide to erotic massage on the Society for Human Sexuality web
page: http://www.searchxxxadultvideos.com/erotmass.html
To be perfectly honest, each of these massage events (men-only,
women-only, or mixed) can be facilitated and hosted in more or less the
same way. The only real differences have to do with how erotic or genital
massage is performed.
The focus of this gathering is pleasure. As it's never fun to have to
worry about staying healthy, or to have to negotiate "what safer sex
means" with every new partner, we've created six simple agreements.
All attendees agree to follow them while in public space (such as our
dome), whether or not they normally use safer sex precautions with a
particular partner in private space (such as at home or in their tent).
The intent is that by being in mutual agreement on these issues we'll be
able to have a smoother and more pleasure-filled time together!
- Use condoms for vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, fellatio, and
on dildos or vibrators that will be shared.
- Use saran wrap (or some other oral barrier) for cunnilingus or
analingus.
- Use gloves when penetrating or massaging someone's genitals or
anus.
- Use new barriers for each new partner, or when switching from anal to
vaginal play with the same partner.
- Clean up any body fluids which are left behind after you're finished
playing.
- Should your hands come into contact with any body fluids, clean and
rinse them in the provided basins before playing with anyone else (and
ideally before touching your own unprotected eyes or genitals).
We'll have little baskets for you to put your new (and used) safer sex
supplies in while enjoying the dome. For the sake of members of our
community who are sensitive to Nonoxynol-9, the safer-sex supplies we'll
be providing for you will all be Nonoxynol-9-free. Bon appetite!
- The
Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (pages
251-264, 229-237, and 83-84)
- Real
Live Nude Girl by Carol Queen (pages 68-75)
- Exhibitionism
for the Shy by Carol Queen (pages 156-163)
- The
New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans
(pages 177-178)
- Sapphistry
by Pat Califia (pages 113-118)
- Women of the Light: The New Sexual Healers
ed. by Kenneth Ray Stubbs (pages 99-117
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